I am really uncomfortable now, and I sneezed a bit ago — I swear I thought I blew out my ovaries! It hurt so bad I yelled “OW!” really loud. Every little pain scares me that my eggs are going to get damaged or something. Probably unlikely, but I just need this to go well tomorrow.
Talked to my husband a bit tonight, and he’s just as scared as I am. There’s just so much that can go wrong — what if I ovulate before the retrieval? what if the eggs are bad? what if we hardly get any eggs? what if the sperm is bad? what if the eggs don’t fertilize? what if they fertilize but stop growing? what if I don’t get pregnant?
I keep trying to tell myself “one step at a time” — let’s not worry about getting pregnant until the transfer is done. Let’s not worry about the transfer until the fertilization is done. Let’s not worry about the fertilization until the retrieval is done…
I’m going to probably take my laptop to my bedroom for after the retrieval, I’ll try to post when I can. I may not know how many fertilized until Saturday, though.
I have to be up at 5:30 am tomorrow to get Calista ready and off to the sitter, then us at the doctor’s office in time. Shouldn’t be a problem as I have no idea how I will even sleep.
Every step of the way, I think, “Wow, NOW it feels real — I can’t believe we are doing this” until the next step hits. I thought it hit when we decided to do IVF. But then I thought it hit when I started birth control pills. Then it was when meds came. Then it was the first ultrasound. Then it was the first shot… now it’s the egg retrieval (ER). I wonder if it will feel real after the ER?
All of the stories I’ve read online of women going through IVF — I have always felt for them. It seemed to hard, so scary… but never anything I would do. Now that I’m here, going through it, it just doesn’t seem real.
I can’t even bear to think what it will be like if this doesn’t work. I just hope that we have some embryos to freeze if this doesn’t work — I can’t bear to think that this could be the end of the journey for us, you know? Having some frozen embryos could at least prolong the potentially inevitable.
Ugh, sorry to be such a downer. I want to be all starry eyed and optimistic, and sometimes, I am. But other times, well, I just think I have to protect myself and I have to remember this may not work. Some days a 64% chance sounds fantastic, and other days, it’s just awful.
I am going to sign off for the night. I am supposed to take it easy tonight, so I am going to get DD ready for bed after her bath, then my husband and I are going to get ourselves ready for tomorrow, watch some more Lost (Season 2 now!) and go to bed early.
Wish me luck.
