It’s been a while…
I haven’t posted in a while. I really just have not felt like it. I find myself becoming the bitter infertile person I never wanted to be and it makes me sad.
I spend a lot of time on message boards, and they are all geared towards being a mother or trying to get pregnant. Through the years, I’ve seen so many bitter infertile women and I never understood it. Now, unfortuntely, I understand all to well.
If you’re not familiar with the bitter infertile, I believe there are varying degrees, but the basic jist of it is that over time, they don’t want to be around pregnant women, babies or anyone who doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to be infertile. And as time goes on, I can see why.
I think it really started over Thanksgiving weekend. We were taking the ferry ride from Swartz Bay to Tsawwassen (said kind of like too-wah-sin) and we took Calista to the play area. There was a girl who was three years old and her baby brother, who was just crawling. As I sat and watched them, all of the “what might have beens” starting filling my mind and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. That is what I wanted for our family. I expected Calista to have a little brother or sister by now, and she doesn’t. Worse yet, she may never.
After a short while, I had to leave. It was an awful feeling to want to cry at the site of something so mundane as two children playing, but I couldn’t help myself.
Since then, it’s been really hard. I haven’t gone to any playgroup activities because I am pretty much the only one who doesn’t have another baby (and Calista is one of the oldest kids inthe group, which makes it harder). Some are on their third child and some had “accidental” pregnacies. I just can’t bring myself to be around it. The more I can stay away from reminders of our inability to conceive, the better.
Pregnancies are another thing that are really getting to me. I feel horribly jealous of those wonderful round bellies I see of women who are expecting. I try to remind myself that perhaps they, too, struggled to get where they are, but somehow, it doesn’t help. All I can see if that round belly and think of the baby they will have… and the one we won’t be having any time soon.
I try to remind myself to be greatful. I do have a beautiful, healthy, smart and happy daughter. I love her so much, and I am extremely greatful for her. The more time that passes as we try to have another child, the more I appreciate the miracle that she is. However, if I have to hear one more time that I’m lucky to have one when others can’t have any, I may just scream.
This is a very sensitive topic amongst those who are infertile with no children and those who are infertile with one or more children, and I certainly do not wish to discount the pain that others feel. But to me, it feels like walking up to a homeless person in the midst of a downpouring of rain and saying, “Wow, you have a cardboard box. Be glad, because the guy down the block only has a newspaper!”
Do you really think that the guy in the cardboard box is saying, “You’re right! Being homeless in a downpour is so much better now that you’ve pointed that out to me!”
Of course not. He’s probably going to think, “Thanks, asshole. As if I didn’t notice. And by the way, I’m still homeless, it’s still pissing rain, and it still sucks.” That’s about how I feel when I’m reminded how lucky I am to have a child.
See what I mean about becoming bitter?
Anyhow, I haven’t done a lot of fundraising efforts recently, due to the holidays. Once the holidays are over, I will regroup my thoughts and get back on the wagon. We wanted to do IVF in February, but I just don’t see that happening because we’d have to pay for it in January and there’s nowhere near enough funds — or room on our credit accounts — to do that.
I hope that the holidays bring me out of my funk and back on the bandwagon of gearing up for IVF #2. For now, I will wallow a few minutes, then get showered and get to work.
I’ll try to update more.
Sommer, I am sorry to hear your pain. *hugs*
Sommer – I understand that bitter feeling you’re talking about… I just haven’t given voice to it. I hope the holidays go well and allow you to bring in the new year with a renewed effort to figure out the financing…
Sommer-
I have followed you through ovusoft and was soooo hopeful that last ivf would work… I too am ttc #2 with no sucess and i know how it feels….. I too am becoming a bitter infertile woman- babies all over and i have to practice my “great” face- i am prety sure I am not doing a great job- but i dont care anymore-
I dont have any words of wisdom – only that you are not alone-
BTW i live in vancouver and have taken that ferry before – too funny- the playplace there is very confining- i try to aviod it at all costs! :)
Hugs-
Katya
Not only is the homeless guy in the cardboard box just as pissed off about the rain and having to live in a box, but he’s also pissed off about having his cardboard box parked right in front of a row of huge warm houses. He used to live in one of those houses. Everywhere he looks, there are mansions. He can’t escape it.
That’s secondary infertility and it plain sucks.
Research has shown that women experiencing it have even higher levels of depression than women with primary infertility. When you already have a young child, you can’t avoid places like parks, birthday parties and playgroups. Those are the places where you’ll definitely run into a pregnant woman. And you have to go through expensive, time-consuming and stressful fertility treatment while taking care of another child. How do you explain to a 3 year old why mama is crying so much? And the worse part is that unlike the woman going through primary infertility, you know how absolutely wonderful it is to have a baby and to love it with all your heart and soul. You’ve had a taste of that and want another. You know what you’re missing.
So don’t let anyone make you feel worse or tell you that you’re “lucky.” Until they walk a mile in your shoes, they have no idea.
Sending hugs your way.
jean
You and Jean have done such a tremendous job of putting a voice to the bitterness as Sami mentioned. I just went to my ob/gyn for my annual exam and it was all I could do to sit there in that waiting room and not run out…those pregnant bellies just surrounded me and I felt so defective and wondered if everyone could see it, like a sign hanging around my neck. There was a 14 year old girl there who was being sent for a PG test…talk about bitter. No, you are not alone, thank you for helping me see that I’m not either.
Just came by to check on how you’re doing. I’m so sorry, Sommer. It all just sucks, really. There were a lot of things about going through infertility the second time that were actually harder than going through it the first time. It’s hard when you’re a mom and a bitter infertile because you are completely surrounded by pregnant women and babies. I quit my playgroup in a huge huff when all of the women in it were pregnant and I just couldn’t take it anymore. And I withdrew from so many other social activities too. One thing that helped was to find friends whose youngest kid was my child’s age so that I could be pretty sure I was safe from pregnancy announcements. I also sought out women who had been through IF before (even if they were able to concieve their second children without treatment) because they knew how to be sensitive to what I was going through.
I’m so sorry the first IVF cycle failed, but I’m excited for you to try it again in the not-too-distant future.