I just posted a thread on my website in the Adoption forum, asking some questions about getting to the point of deciding to adopt. Just as I posted, it hit me. Four years ago today, I got my positive pregnancy test with Calista. Four years ago today, I was so thrilled beyond belief that I woke Skip up at 6:30 in the morning to tell him. I had bloodwork, confirmed I was pg and we told family. It was the start of our family of three and one of the most incredible days of my life.
And today, four years later, I am sitting here with my 31st period since we started trying to have another baby, posting messages about failed IUIs, failed IVF and the possibility of adopting some day.
I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I hate everything that IF is and everything I’ve become as a result. On the outside, I seem ok. On the inside, I feel broken, lonely, ripped off, angry, empty and a million other things.
I just want to be pregnant. I want to experience pregnancy and child birth again. I want to hold my newborn. I want Calista to be a big sister. I wish it weren’t so hard.
