Ok, I didn’t have a lot of time or desire to post earlier. You see, we got the fertilization report call just as we were pulling out of the driveway for Calista’s skating lessons and I posted when we came home for lunch for a few minutes and were heading back out to go grocery shopping. I didn’t really want to get into it, as I had been crying a lot and didn’t want to start again. So here is the uncut version.

It was 9 AM and we were just pulling out of the driveway to take Calista to her skating lesson, which happened to be her “recital”. We were very excited to see her class show off what they learned.

We had just opened the garage door and were all buckling in to the car when the cell phone rang. My heart skipped a beat and I answered the call and Skip sat next to me, waiting.

We’ll call the embryologist “K”. K asked if it was Sommer, and asked how I was doing. I replied that I was fine, asked how he was and asked if he just called to make small talk (jokingly, of course) or if he had some news for us.

He didn’t sound thrilled, and I braced myself. He said that all 10 off the eggs had been mature (a big improvement over last time’s 5!). He said he ICSId all 10, which means he picked one sperm for each egg and injected each egg with a sperm to improve our fertilization chances. This is common when there is an issue with the sperm, and it is what we did last time.

Out of the 10, only 5 even fertilized. This is pretty poor, as normally, ICSI results in 75-80% fertilization rate. Of those 5, only 3 fertilized normally, so as of this morning, we had 3 embryos. Not what we expected at all.

I asked him what this meant, and he said that it seems that in addition to the sperm issues we’ve known about since 2002, it seems that there is an issue with the quality of my eggs. This was something unexpected, as we’d always thought I was fine. The only real way to assess egg quality is to see them and work with them, so doing IVF is really the only time you’d ever get this info. Needless to say, I was devastated.

Sperm issues can be overcome in the lab with ICSI. Egg issues cannot be overcome. We need to talk to them some more, as egg quality was not mentioned during the last IVF, but if there is an egg quality, you can’t fix it. You move to donor eggs (using an egg from another woman to create the embryo) or, of course, adoption.

I asked Ken if they would still try to take the embryos to day 5 in the lab, and he said they would. I asked if I would get another call, and he said not unless we lost all of the embryos. If we get no call, then we are to be there Wednesday at 12:30 PM for the transfer.

I got off of the phone and told Skip. I know he already knew it wasn’t good from what he heard me saying. I told him the news and just lost it. So much came flooding out of me at once… we had just three embryos which means again, we’ll have none to freeze. This truly is our last shot. And we are going into our last shot with a small number of embryos, who may not even make it to day 3 let alone day 5, we may not have anything to transfer at all. And then what?

These past few months, I have wanted nothing more than to do this next IVF so we could be done one way or the other. I wanted to either be pregnant or to have exhausted all of my options so that I could just move on with my life. But now that we’re so close to being done, I just don’t know how I will handle it if this is the end of our journey.

Skip tends to think of things one step at a time — right now he is focused on the IVF and trying to be positive for our 3 embryos. I, too, am trying to be positive for our 3, but at the same time, my mind is racing with “What’s next” and it doesn’t seem there’s anything next.

I told Skip I wished we’d known of egg issues the first time, so perhaps our second round of money could have gone into adoption. But he said that he’s not there, he’s not ready to think adoption and that just broke my heart more. He is much more ready (or perhaps able) to wrap his mind around having just one child, but I am not. This blog is called “Just One More…” not “Just One.”

He mentioned how all of this really makes you realize what a miracle Calista is, and she truly is. Not only is she a true miracle, she is the most amazing, smart and well behaved child anyone could ever ask for. She is our shining star and I am so incredibly grateful to have her in our lives. But my heart aches for another, not just for me, or for Skip, but for her, as well. My family does not feel complete at this point and my heart breaks to try to picture just the three of us. There’s an empty spot in the picture, Calista’s little brother or sister, and it’s a spot we may never fill.

Back to the story… Skip was obviously as upset as I was, and he tried to reassure me and we talked about being positive and doing all we can do to think good thoughts about the 3 we do have and not the ones we don’t have. And he mentioned that Calista is our Superstar and all we need, but I really cried then when I said, “She’s a Superstar who wants a little sister.”

he rest of the day has been a bit of a blur for me. We went to Wal-Mart to get Calista the Disney Princess helmet we promised her if she made it through 12 weeks of skating lessons. Skip suggested we get something for me to help cheer me up, but I am terrible at shopping for myself and couldn’t find anything. I need new pajamas, but they didn’t have anything.

Then we went grocery shopping at Fred Meyer (which is a grocery/department store) and I was goign to get this little thing you hooked up to your TV and it had classic Atari games like PacMan and Pitfall that they had been selling at Christmas, but they were out. I was going to get some firewood because I LOVE having fires in the fire pit and just hanging out, but I forgot to get any. Then I was going to get stuff to make ice cream and we forgot that, too. I couldn’t find one stupd thing to cheer me up, and the few ideas I had fell through or I forgot them and I just kept feeling worse.

We rented “Flushed Away” for Calista and came home. We played a bit, then put the movie in, but I fell asleep halfway through and they woke me up at 7 pm. Now Calista is in the bath and Skip is upstairs with her, and I wanted to write my real post for today.

So that is where we are. 3 embryos. I am trying, I mean really trying to put all I have into being positive for our 3. I’ve heard of worse starts turn into successful pregnancies through my online friends and sites I frequent, so I know it CAN happen. But it’s so hard to be positive, it feels like this is just how it is for us and it’s just not meant to be.

At one point, Skip did mention that he feels bad for Calista, that she may never have a “natural” brother or sister, so perhaps adoption will be an option down the road if this does not work. But this not working just cannot be an option. I can’t allow it. It has to work.

Skip says he’s glad we’re doing this, because we will know, no matter the outcome, that we did everything we could to have another child. I, on the other hand, don’t know if I will take it as well. We’ve spent so much money, so much time and so much of ourselves going through this and I hate to have it all end in vain. It cannot end in vain.

My mom arrives tomorrow. She is flying in from the East Coast to stay with us and care for Calista while I am on bedrest after the transfer. Please don’t let her money be wasted. Please, PLEASE let us make it to transfer. Give these babies a chance. Let them grow and let us bring them home on Wednesday, and preferably let us truly bring them home in December.

My due date would be December 21st. I know a lot of people don’t want Christmas babies, but I think it’s a perfect time to have a baby. What better gift could there possibly be?

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers for a Christmas miracle. I am sorry this got so long.

Thinking positive…

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