There’s been no pee sticks and no blood tests today. Nothing to prove to me that I am pregnant, and it’s been a bit bothersome. I certainly don’t feel pregnant at all, except for the occasional queasiness (haven’t had any today) or the occasional cramp. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was the same old me I usually am. I’m glad I have another Beta tomorrow, I feel like I need another confirmation that we really are going to have a baby and this isn’t some fantastic dream.
I’ve been finding myself really scared about every little thing. I haven’t been picking up Calista or anything very heavy for fear I will ruin the pregnancy. I know that picking something up can’t hurt the babies, but I’m just so scared that after coming this far, something is going to go wrong. I keep worrying that my Beta will not have risen properly tomorrow, that we won’t see any heartbeats at the ultrasound. I wonder how I will occupy my mind until the ultrasound (which is May 4th, by the way).
I know so many women who have worked so hard to get pregnant only to lose the baby or babies sometimes days or even weeks after becoming pregnant. I’m terrified that we are going to face the same fate. I think that perhaps, after waiting so long and fearing that we would never have another child, that I’m having trouble accepting that it’s possible that we will.
When we tried to get pregnant with Calista, I hoped month after month that I was pregnant, and every time I wasn’t, I was crushed. But once she was born, I looked at her and knew that had I gotten pregnant any other month, I wouldn’t have her and she was the child meant for us. I’ve reminded myself of that through this journey — that I will get pregnant when the time is right for the perfect child(ren) for us and while it still hurt to not be pregnant month after month, it did soften the blow to think of that.
There is a song by Rascall Flatts that I really like as it reminds me of the journey to bring Calista into our lives. Even though it was written as a romantic song, it really fits how I feel about both Calista and these babies:
Bless The Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to youEvery long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving armsThis much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to youI think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming trueEvery long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving armsThis much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I listened to this song last Wednesday as I made the two hour drive to Seattle for a monthly meeting I have there. It’s the first time I’ve listened to it since finding out we are pregnant, and it made me cry. It’s so true — the broken and winding path that has led us to this day has been blessed in some way and has brought us one day closer to our child(ren) we’ve been waiting for for so long. I just have to remember that for now, everything is fine and enjoy the day. I can’t worry myself with the “what ifs” that I have no reason to worry about right now.
I’ve heard that song a thousand times lately but have never tied it to my infertility stuff. Thanks for sharing that part of your journey! It was very encouraging for me!
Can’t wait to hear tomorrow’s numbers…
I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you. Congrats again! I know you are thrilled to be pregnant no matter if its one baby or two, but somehow I sense you would be over the moon if it were twins, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you! Enjoy pregnancy and the life growing inside of you :)
What a positive way of looking at that! I understand your anxiety right now but keep reminding yourself of that. Lots of baby dust going into beta #2 – I hope that will give you some more reassurance and keep your spirits high until the ultrasound!
I was pregnant when that song first became popular and it was my special song to my baby that helped me get through my 3rd pregnancy after 2 miscarriages. It will always hold a special place in my heart.
Sommer, I can understand you needing confirmation that you are indeed pregnant. Until you start to show, or get MS, it is very surreal even for people without fertility issues. I will continue to keep you in my prayers for a safe, uneventful 9 months! These are your baby(s?) to keep. I have never heard that song, but now I want to! Check back later for numbers!
xoxoxox
Hang in there, Sommer…I have faith that those little embies are bedding down for the long haul. :0)
I can remember feeling that way about Laura Lea. We had worked so long and hard to conceive her, and I was so terrified that something bad would happen and we would lose her. I think after such a long hard road to get to where you are, that it is totally normal to have the fears that you are having. I wish I could give you my hugs in person… >>
Love,
Laura
Sommer, I think what you’re feeling is normal. We’ve all had those same kinds of feelings around a lot of things. But always when you look back, everything turns out EXACTLY the way it’s supposed to and it’s always for our higher good. I love how you desribed your journey with Calista. SHE was the child you were meant to have.
This pregnancy will stick.
Barb