Need to Pull Myself Together
No word yet on when my appointment with the peri will be. After posting yesterday, I did some crying, and Calista was so sweet as to bring me Kleenexes and wipe the mascara off of my face (I recently started wearing mascara and blush again after years without makeup, now I remember one of the reasons I had stopped). She asked why I was sad and I explained that Baby A was a little bit small and I wanted him to grow. She patted my belly and told Baby A to grow big and she also told Skip I was sad because Baby A is small. I hate to trouble her little mind with my worries, but she’s just so sweet and I think that she deserves to know what is going no (to a certain extent). She had another talk with the babies last night and told Baby A to grow. Gosh, I love that kid.
After my KFC run yesterday, I later had a fried egg with lots of butter, a chocolate Ensure and some cheese. Not all at once, that would be gross. It doesn’t sound like much, especially considering it was over a 4 hour period, but by the time I went to bed, I felt like I was going to barf. It’s not nausea, really, it’s reflux. It just sits right at the top of my stomach and if I hiccup or burp, it comes up a little. Nasty. None of my reflux meds help at all, I think it’s just lack of space due to babies squishing my stomach and a relaxed stomach valve thanks to pregnancy hormones.
This morning, I ate my normal bowl of cereal for breakfast, then forced down a Carnation Instant Breakfast for additional calories. Then I felt like I was going to puke.
I went to soak in the bath tub, and afterwards, I just lost it. I had a good, long, heaving, sobbing cry on my bed for a while. Then I almost threw up and I was so scared I’d lose out on the precious calories I forced myself to eat that I pulled myself together.
Breakfast was at 8 am, so at 10 am, I figured I better eat something again. I had some sliced apple with peanut butter. Don’t tell, but I gave a few of the apple slices to the rabbit. I just wasn’t hungry, and still felt sick from breakfast.
Now it’s noon and I am trying to get more in me. I just don’t feel hungry, so I couldn’t bring myself to make anything to eat. I opted to make a “shake” with some gross vanilla calorie/protein drink (like Ensure or Boost, but it’s a Kroger brand). I threw it in the blender with some banana and strawberries. It doesn’t taste overly horrible, but it smells like that gross drink and I am doing my best to drink it.
Our stupid blender is broken, though. The last time I tried to make a smoothie, all the stuff ran out the bottom of the glass part that holds the liquid. I thought maybe I hadn’t put it together properly, but today, not only did it leak, but it spit smoothie all over me and it wouldn’t turn off once I turned it on — I had to unplug it. Great. Now we need a new blender. Having a stinky smoothie shot all over your shirt when you really don’t even want a smoothie and you’re upset to begin with doesn’t really help the mood. I speak from experience on this one…
Let’s add to that the yapping dog I can hear outside. it sounds like someone shut its head in a car door and it’s making this horrible half yelp, half bark noise. I love animals, but I’m ready to kill that dog. I just checked outside and it looks like it’s my neighbor’s dog, on her front porch, wanting in. I know they are home, why don’t they just let the damned dog in?
Can you tell my mood sucks? I am definately on the verge of depression/breakdown here. I am afraid that soon I will be the crying, pregnant, dog kicking neighbor lady that everyone on my street is afraid of and no one will make eye contact with.
I wish the peri’s office would call so at least I know when my appointment is…
Oh Sommer I am so sorry that you are going through this. Let me just say that I didn’t eat a ton of stuff when pg with Ethan and Alex and they turned out fine. Don’t make yourself sick eating too much, just try to eat good things full of vitamins when you do eat. Also Ethan was nearly 2.5 lbs bigger than Alex when they were born. They forgot to send the placenta in for analysis so we will never know why, but they are fine, and I am praying that your babies are fine too.
If it wouldn’t take a week to get there, I’d order a new blender for ya. Really, I actually went online and started to order and then I realized it’d take forever to get there. A girl needs a blender.
Hang in there girlfriend!! Those babies are growing big and strong and you are doing all you can to keep them healthy. No one wants to eat 23 1/2 hrs a day. Keep up with the Ensure, and send Skip out to the store for a new blender!!
Hugs to you and the boys!
Jennifer
So sorry you’re going through this. I struggle with guilt too; remember, there’s a difference between guilt and one’s conscience. You haven’t done anything wrong.
We’re pulling for you and the fam!
Big hugs *hug*
You are doing everything that you possibly can Sommer, and you are doing great! If you are finding that eating so much is causing you to feel too full then try eating the highest calorie food first. Like for breakfast – try the high calorie ensure before the cereal.
Apples and peanut butter is a great snack too but if you don’t finish the apple that is ok, apples don’t have a lot of calories in them either. Try and eat more PB instead.
Full fat cheese, sour cream, yogurts would also be good options.
Things are going to be good! I just wish you didn’t have all this stress :hug: :hug: :hug:
One day at a time…. You are doing an outstanding job, just keep going, step by step!
And if you feel like crying, do it…. a good cry always make me feel better, and remember that
when you can’t see a way to pull yourself together, we are here to do so!
Hey Sommer.
Do you have access to nutritional counselling from a dietitian? Just thinking that they can offer you the best bang for your buck eating so to speak to get you the most nutrients for smaller amounts of food if you can’t stomach things.
Shawn
Hi Sommer!
So sorry you’re having to go through all of this right now! If it’s of any comfort, Gavin had a white spot on his heart when I had my level II u/s, after our AFP came back with him having a 1:1200 chance of having Down’s. With the marker, the chances went down to 1:800. Being that is a 25% increase, dh and I elected to have the amnio done, even though I was deathly afraid of the outcome. We did it because the doctor told us that out of the patients he sees with that marker, 1% are born with Down’s, and he is a high-risk OB. I found out later that the marker is quite common, and thankfully, the amnio came back clear, and of course, Gavin is fine. I heard from SO MANY people that had the same thing, and they all had children that are just fine. I hope this at least gives you ONE less thing to worry about! :hugs:
Stacy
I wouldn’t force extra food down, but when you’re hungry just eat something with more calories. That might easier than forcing smoothies down your throat. Sorry about the blender – that’s awful. I hate it when gadgets break. If DH isn’t home, I end up banging on it and cursing…
Sommer,
You are doing great! It is hard. Remember, my twin B was smaller. We even had the difference by over 20%. He is doing great now. You will have more u/s, more appointments and possible some bed rest. Keep you head up! He was my stronger one.
BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!! I am sorry you are shouldering so much!! :(
My b/g twins are now 3 1/2 months old. When I was 22 weeks the heartburn was so bad I thought I was going to die. Try Nexium. That was a life saver!! I also saw the perinatologists at Swedish and they were excellent! Best of luck!