Ace and Nate are one week old today. If I were still pregnant, I’d have been 32 weeks today. It’s “Belly Picture Day”, too. Part of me wanted to take a picture, but I didn’t. Maybe I still will do it, just for fun of sorts, but there’s still some sadness that I’ve refused to recognize and that I fear a picture may force me to face.

I had a follow up with my perinatologists’ office today. I saw Chris, who is Dr. H’s nurse, and the head of the University of Washington (UW) Prematurity Prevention Clinic. We talked about the events leading up to the boys’ birth and the birth itself, as well as the journey through the NICU thus far.

Chris was appalled at my treatment received at 30 weeks. She said that UW never does the FFN because of its high rate of inaccuracy for both positive and negative results. She also said that she could not believe that they never checked my cervix via ultrasound when I complained of cramping.

I told her that my heart and my gut told me that they should have checked my cervix. I told her I was going to ask that Friday, when Dr. K did the FFN, but that something inside me stopped me from doing it. I then was going to ask that Saturday, when I went to the hospital for the NST, but again, something stopped me.

Chris talked about the importance of patient education, and how patients need to advocate for themselves. I told that was the strange part — in my head, I knew I should have had my cervix checked. I have never been one to just blindly follow my doctor’s lead if I have questions or concerns. But that day, I didn’t speak up. Something kept me silent and my best guess is that it was fear. Perhaps on some level, I didn’t want to know the truth and so I accepted the negative FFN as assurance that the babies and I were fine. I just don’t know what stopped me from pressing for the check that my heart knew I needed. I may never know.

The appointment was a long and informative one. We discussed the terribly unpleasant swelling of my hands and feet that I have been having. She said it’s normal to be swollen and retain water after birth and surgery, so with a double birth and two surgeries under my belt in the past week, it is to be expected. My blood pressure was normal and even though the swelling can be quite painful and scary to see, it is normal. I kept my feet up a lot more today than I had yesterday, and that made a lot of difference as well.

My staples were removed and I was surprised how numb my incision area is to the touch. My pain from the surgeries is less and less each day, and I no longer have to shuffle along, hunched over — I can walk almost normally. I still spend part of my day in the wheelchair and I sit as much as possible, but I’m also starting to be much more mobile.

We discussed an increasingly itchy/painful rash that I have all over my lower belly and upper thighs. It seems that in all the commotion of delivery night, I forgot to tell the hospital that I have an allergy to adhesives, so I am reacting to the tape that was used to hold my incision together. Some hydrocortisone should help that. I also have a mild allergy to pads, so I’ve been told to use A&D ointment to control the itching and reacting from that allergy.

I also asked to be checked for hemorrhoids, due to some sever pain and bleeding I have when I have a bowel movement. Thankfully, I don’t have hemmorhoids, but I do have some internal tearing from recent constipation that makes using the bathroom extremely painful at this time.

These are all temporary conditions and will get better in time. I gladly will accept them as we have been blessed with yet another fabulous day for the boys, and I will take any pain that I can suffer instead of them.

Nate was back on nasal cannula today (nasal prongs) due to a little drop in blood oxygen levels last night (or perhaps it was that he was working a bit too hard to breath again — I’ve forgotten now), but his nurse also said he had a lot of nasal congestion that was suctioned away and his breathing improved after that. He will likely be off of the prongs again tomorrow.

Both boys are close to having their IVs removed. This means that they are getting enough of their nutrition from feeds and that they don’t need additional hydration. This is fantastic news! We were told if the IVs were to come out now, they likely would not even be replaced. Nate is our little wild man, constantly pulling out his lines and tubes (yesterday, they had a blanket gently keeping his arms to his side, as he had repeated pulled out his nasal cannula and was frustrating his nurse), so if he has his way, he may have his IV out sooner rather than later.

I was a little frustrated in the morning, as we got ready and headed over a little earlier than usual. We got there at 10 am, and it was time to pump. I pumped. Then it was time for my peri appointment. Then it was lunch time. Then it was time to pump again. I just wanted to hold my boys! I finally got to hold Ace at his 3 pm feeding and I put him to my breast. The little guy surprised me by latching on good and strong right away and taking a few sucks. He quickly tired and I reclined the chair and let him sleep on my chest. What a fabulous feeling to just lay there, quiet with my little man asleep against my body.

The nurses worked it out today so that Ace and Nate are not feeding at the same time, so after a while, I got in another quick pump session and then it was time for Nate’s feeding. Like Ace, he quickly took the my breast and had a few little pulls of milk and then tired and dozed off. I moved him up on to my chest as I had with Ace and spent time enjoying my little man.

I talked to the lactation consultant again today and she wants me to pump every 2 hours instead of every 3 like I have been doing to try to get my milk supply up. I’ve been pumping about 50 cc of milk per session, and she said she’d like to see 30 cc per hour since I last pumped, so at 3-hour intervals, I should ideally be at about 90 cc. It’s hard to pump so often, but that’s what I will be doing to make sure we are off to a good start once the boys are able to feed more at the breast.

We were also worried today when at my appointment, I was told I probably wouldn’t be driving for a few more weeks, and of course can’t drive while I am on pain pills — a thought that had never crossed my mind. Skip will be going back to work on Monday, which left me here and unable to travel to the hospital. Skip called my mom to see if she might be able to come and spend a week here with me, and she can. She will arrive Sunday morning, spend time with Skip, Calista and I (Lulu is coming down tomorrow!) and then Skip and Calista will go back to Bellingham and mom will stay with me and help me get to the hospital and spend time with the boys. I am both excited and scared for her, as I told her there is just no way she can prepare herself for how tiny — yet perfect — our babies are. I am sure there are going to be a lot of tears from both Grammy and myself when Grammy meets her new little grandsons this weekend.

My friend Tracy also visited us today and brought Calista’s new booster seat that she picked up on our behalf. The seat is great and Lulu will love it. I taught Tracy how to scrub in and took her to meet the babies. She caressed their little heads and took some pictures of Skip and I together with the boys. I hope that there are some good ones. I could tell Skip felt silly trying to “pose” with the boys (we did not remove them for their isolettes for these photos) so I just tried to engage him as Tracy snapped photos for us. I can’t wait to see the pictures that she took.

It was a long day today — we were at the hospital from 10 am until past 8 pm. Even though I didn’t get to hold either of my boys for the first few hours, the time that I did spend with them was so precious and I can’t wait to go back tomorrow.

Skip has written a beautiful entry on our family web site at http://www.cronck.com/?action=entry&id=1193460061 that covers a lot of feelings that I have not been able to put into words yet. As Skip has mentioned, we are so incredibly blessed right now in so many ways. Not only in the health and strength of our babies, but in the generosity and outpouring of love that has come to us from friends and strangers alike.

I cried today when I heard that Skip’s co-workers are talking to human resources about donating some of their personal paid time off to Skip, as he has used all of his and is taking his leave unpaid at this point. How incredibly generous and remarkable of his friends and co-workers to even think to do this, let alone pursue it with human resources. HR has told Skip they can likely do it, too. Wow. There are just no words for these acts of kindness that continue to flow in and warm our hearts. We simply could not have gotten this far without all of you, out there, thinking about us, sending thoughts, prayers or acting in other ways to help us in this uncertain time.

To all of you, thank you. I don’t know how we will ever repay everyone but I hope to find a way as time goes on. Again, thank you… everyone.

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