The Wall



I feel like we’ve hit a wall in our progress.  Ace and Nate are doing awesome — all they have left to do before they can come home is to take all feedings by mouth.  They are slowly increasing their intake, but I feel like it’s going to take a long time to get where they need to be.  They generally take about 16-18 cc per feed, and their total feeds are 34 cc (Ace) and 45 cc (Nate).  They have a ways to go.

I cried last night when I left them.  I just want them home now.  I want them to nurse, but they are still small and sleepy.  I can’t push them, I have to wait until they are ready.  But I am ready to be done with this.  It’s been 20 days and the first 18 or so went fast.  Now time feels like it’s standing still.

I’ve been spending 7 hours a day in the special care nursery with them.  I spend 2 hours a day driving back and forth to the hospital.  5 hours a day is spent pumping and nursing.  I sleep no more than 4-5 hours at a time because I need to get up and pump.  It’s no wonder I am so tired.

I did skip their 8 and 9 am feedings today so I could get a little more sleep, but I feel so bad doing it.  Nate is always wide awake when I get there at 8, ready to nurse, and it makes me sad to think he was wide awake this morning and Mommy wasn’t there for him.

I hope and pray that they reach this last milestone as quickly as they’ve reached their others.  I’m ready to have my babies with me and don’t want to have to leave them behind anymore, or decide if my sleep is more important than going to the hospital.

12 Replies to “The Wall”

  1. Aww, don’t feel too bad about wanting to catch some extra Zzzz’s…you deserve them. Being a NICU mommy is much harder than anyone could ever imagine. It’s not only physically exhausing, but the emotions are so overwhelming. The boys are doing so well, it’ll be no time before they’re home where they belong.

  2. Being a NICU Mummy is harder than being a normal Mummy. Reading your post made me remember the desire to just get Benjamin home. It will happen and all of a sudden too. One day B would only just latch on and then all of a sudden one Friday more he figured it all out and was home Sunday morning!

  3. Take care of yourself now while you can. Do not feel bad about needing sleep! We are all better mommies when we can sleep. I hope your boys are home soon.

  4. Sommer – After all you’ve been through to get this far I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to leave them behind eveyday. I can only hope that in March (and not much before) I’m as strong as you are. I still pray for the you and the boys and hope they come hope soon!

  5. You are doing such a great job, and you need your sleep to continue doing so!
    I’ve noticed in the last picture their cheeks are filling out, they are going to have some big squeezable cheeks!!!
    They are doing so well, I’m sure they’ll be home soon!

  6. Sommer, having babies in the NICU is such a rollercoaster ride. You’re allowed to have these moments where you just want to crumble. It’s okay. Sometimes,as moms, we’re busying ourselves with all the little things that we don’t take time to stop and absorb what’s happening.
    The boys have come a long way and the wait will be so worth it but it’s hard to not have them home wwith you. I wish there was more I could do to help. {{{hugs}}}

  7. Are you willing to do bottle feeds? That counts as “by mouth.” :) Jack was a very sleepy eater and continued to be so for 7 weeks. If I had to wait for him to take all feeds from the breast, he would have stayed much longer in the NICU. I know it’s not what you want to do, but it’s an option to get them home.

    You’re doing great! It’s hard. But look how well those boys are doing!!

  8. Sommer–Hang in there you are doing great and so are Ace and Nate. It is so hard to go home and leave babies at the hospital. But get your rest when you can and if that means skipping a few feeding do and and don’t feel bad. They are in good hands. They need a healthy mommy too!

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