Sliding

Well, things are going downhill faster than I had anticipated or hoped.  Most people who know me know that I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) through both of my previous pregnancies.  With Calista, it started at 6 weeks and was undiagnosed/unrecognized.  I ended up in the hospital, severely dehydrated with a migraine and unable to even keep water down.  I was scared and sick but I pushed through.  It lasted until I was about 20 weeks pregnant and then, thankfully, subsided.

With the boys, I was sick at 4 weeks and by 13 weeks had a PICC line in my arm, allowing me to take Zofran intravenously as well as hydration.  I had the PICC line until 28 weeks when I was by no means “better”, but well enough (and tired enough of the PICC line) to have it removed.  The boys were born just three weeks later.

I wondered how if would go this time.  I hoped and prayed I’d be spared the misery that is HG.  Women actually terminated wanted pregnancies – it’s that bad.

I started getting a little queasy here and there in my 5th week.  By my 6th week, it was getting worse and I asked for a prescription for Zofran “just in case”.  Now, in my 7th week, I am beside myself.

I lost a pound last week because I just cannot eat much.  The mere thought of food is nauseating.  I have fleeting moments of craving something, and I have to go with it in the moment, otherwise, I may not be able to eat for a long while.

Eating makes me ill.  Not eating makes me ill.  It’s a viscous, no-win cycle.  I’m scared to think this could get worse…  much worse.

I’ve been hanging out and reading at the Hyperemesis Education and Research Foundation website – http://www.helpher.org – to remind myself I am not alone and I will get through this.  It’s just so scary right now.  I have three kids to care for and full-time job.  I can’t afford to be sick.

I’m also waiting to hear back from my doctor to see what the next step is.  The Zofran isn’t going to cut it; it never did in the past, either, unless it was directly pumped into my bloodstream.  I hope I don’t have to go there again, but I will if I have to.

I haven’t even really told anyone how sick I am yet.  I tried to hide it from Skip last night, but I just started crying.  It’s terrible.  I was trying to be thankful to have this sign that my baby is growing and healthy, but I just want to EAT.

We haven’t even told the kids or our workplaces yet.  How do I keep my pregnancy a secret until we are ready to tell if I can’t function?

Man, I hope to hear from my doctor soon.