12 dpo and Big Fat Nothing


I’ve got nothing left.  It’s over, I just know it.  Two days until it’s confirmed.  The only good thing about getting a negative Friday is that I can stop these damned shots.  Doing them now just sucks, because I know there’s no point, but I won’t stop them until my blood test.

There’s nothing after this.  No frozen embryo transfer (FET) no more IVF.  Nothing.  End of the road.  Game over.

Calista keeps talking about the baby sisters she’s going to have and it just tears my heart out to think about having to try to tell her she’s not getting any baby sisters.  Skip is just so depressed right now, and I wish I could just will myself to get a fucking positive.

I knew the odds going into this.  They were actually in our favor for once.  But even with the odds in our favor, we’ve lost.  How is this fair?  How is it that people can get pregnant and have kids they don’t want, kids that get taken away from them, and here I sit, $14,000 poorer and NOTHING to show for it.  Nothing but a shitload of wasted HPTs and a broken heart.

I never REALLY considered this might not work.  And now I’ve got two days to prepare myself for the worst possible news and I just don’t know how I am going to get through it.  I thought that by this point I’d be anxiously awaiting the ultrasound to see how many.  How many.  Like I might even have more than one.  What a fucking joke.  Who am I to be so lucky to have more than one?  I’d be lucky to be given one, let alone more than one.

I guess I should be greatful.  I now that’s what some people think, “be glad you have one”.  Well I am glad.  I’m so glad I have Calista, but just because I have one doesn’t make it any better that I can’t have another.  I wanted a big family.  Skip and I wanted at least three kids — we’d have more if we could afford it, we said.  And we can’t.  We can’t have more and we can’t afford to try to have more.

Skip was so upset last night when I told him there wasn’t a trace of a line on my test yesterday.  He said he wished he wouldn’t have asked me.  I know he will ask me again today, and I don’t want to tell him.  He’s not going to take it any better than I am.

I don’t even know what else to say.  I just need to suck it up and move on like always.  I’ve got two days to figure out how I’m going to cope because Friday is going to suck.

I’m closing this entry to replies as well.  The last things I want to hear are “It’s early” and “I’m sorry”.  Thanks for understanding.