Give me the strength to go four more weeks (+2 days). That’s all I ask.
I am having a really hard time these days. I had an OB appointment yesterday and measured 41 weeks. That’s essentially measuring that of a singleton pregnancy one week overdue. I was 29 weeks and 4 days at the time of that measurement.
At least it validates how I’ve been feeling. Sleeping is getting worse. My legs are restless at night and I can’t fall asleep. I finally fall asleep only to wake up to pee, or because my back is killing me. I get in a few hours before I can’t sleep any more so I get up. Sitting in the recliner gives me too many contractions, and that was pretty much the last place I was able to sit comfortably.
Baby A is so low that he wedges his hands or something into the crevices between my belly and thighs, and when he does, I can’t walk or roll over in bed, it hurts so badly. Even when he’s not jammed way down there, I can barely walk — it just hurts. My legs feel like they can’t support me any more. Baby B usually has his feet up in my ribs, too.
I get out of breath trying to have a normal conversation. I can barely drive as the steering wheel — no matter how I adjust it — rubs on my stomach.
Calista is having a really hard time, too. She wants me up and playing with her and I can’t. She gets bored and then has tantrums at the end of the day. It breaks my heart to see her acting that way because I know it’s her frustration with the situation coming out, and it’s her way of releasing that frustration. I feel guilty for causing it (in an indirect way) and even worse when her screaming takes its toll on Skip and he loses his temper with her. Last night, she was crying at the dinner table and eventually, I was, too.
This is probably the first time in 7 years of living across the country from where I grew up that I am truly homesick. I do wish we had family around right now that could help. Skip is doing so much, but he’s only one person. He’s so stressed out and I wish I could take some of that from him, but I can’t. We have a couple of friends who have been helping with Calista and it’s been so wonderful, but it’s hard to need or ask for so much from friends who have their own lives and their own children to deal with. But honestly, without them, we would not have made it as far as we have, so thank you for that.
I joked with my mom that she should take 6 weeks FMLA leave to come stay here, but I know she can’t and I know after 3 days, we’d probably fight anyhow. We’re too similar to live together.
I talked to my OB who has given me Zoloft to try to help me get through these last few weeks. He reassured me that I am really at a hard spot, and it’s not just me being a wuss (my words, not his) and if we can get four more weeks of pregnancy under our belts (no pun intended), he’d be really pleased. Four weeks doesn’t sound like a lot, but when getting through today feels like an impossible task, I know it will be hard.
It is so hard to even post all of these feelings. Every time I have a not-so-glowing post about my pregnancy, I get the backlash of pissed off readers who feel the need to remind me how lucky I am and how others would give anything to be in my shoes. Trust me, people, I know. I know how blessed I am to have two big, healthy boys growing inside of me. I know how lucky I am to have finally overcome our almost 3 year struggle with infertility and to be pregnant at all. I am tremendously grateful and will forever be so. My sensitivity to infertility is not lost — it will forever be with me — but this is my blog, my life and my feelings. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. If you feel compelled to read it, fine, but don’t berate me. Please. I need this outlet when I’m at my worst and I don’t need to be kicked when I am down.
Since I am posting, I have some ultrasound pictures from last week in Seattle. These are from 28 weeks and 3 days. I can’t wait to see them in person!!! :)
Baby A’s Profile. He was opening and closing his mouth when we saw him.
Baby B’s Profile.
Baby B — Looking right up his nose!
Hang in there Sommer! Calista will survive, just do what you can with her and put your heart into that and let the rest go for another month. It will be fine. Hard, but fine.
Hang in there. You’re doing an amazing job. Your doctor is right, you’re at a very hard “spot,” and you’ve come a LONG way. You’ve brought these two baby boys to a place where their chances are WONDERFUL, not only at survival but at THRIVING. All too soon the aches, pains, and emotions will be but a memory, and as hard as it is to imagine, they will be memories you treasure forever. Calista will be ok, too. In fact, this has already shaped the person she will become…and it will only be in a good way. You and Skip have shown her not only the love parents have for their children, but extreme strength and determination. She’ll always carry that with her.
Yowsa! I can’t believe these boys are giving you such a run for your money. They’d better appreciate their momma!!
4 more weeks would be great. I hope you make it, with a minimal amount of pain/discomfort/sadness.
You’re almost 30 weeks. That’s great. At this point, every day makes such a huge difference in development. And at 35 weeks? Well, they just may come home right away! You really are in the homestretch. You’re strong. You’ll do this. Skip will survive (sorry Skip, but as husband to a 3rd trimester twin mommy, you just have to pick up the slack with no complaints – that’s no easy task, either). Calista will be fine – and won’t she be such a great big sister?
If you need more reasons for why you’re still pregnant? Take out the Dr. Luke book and look at the pictures of head circumference/foot prints/handprints at different weeks of gestation. I know you know it logically, but that’s a very poignant reminder.
HUGS!!
Sommer – I’m usually a lurker that had followed your story – starting with your + hpt’s on Ovusoft. I’m so sorry you are so miserable right now.
I just want you to know that I’m currently in the middle of my 4th miscarriage. That said, I feel like I above A LOT of other people should think or feel those things you posted in your blog. BUT I DON’T!!! You know how blessed you are and it wasn’t like you “fell into being pregnant with twins”. It has taken you a LONG time to get to this point – you have every right to feel whatever you do!
In other words – anybody who sends you a backlash on your post – SCREW THEM (sorry if that is not “pc” for you blog – edit if you must)!
Tell them to stop reading, unclick you on their favorites and MOVE ON! I swear the gall of some people.
That said – so happy for you and counting down the days until you hold the boys in your arms!
Like the pp said, you’re doing an AMAZING job…I’m about four weeks behind you and with just one, and my jaw dropped when I read that you’re measuring at 41 weeks and still have to hang in there for another four. If I’m uncomfortable already, I can’t even begin to imagine what your experience is like! Seriously, you have such an honest non-complainy kind of positive take on everything, even when you’re having your hardest times…Be proud of the work your body is doing, and please do ignore anyone who would begrudge you the empathy to which every human being is entitled…
You are doing great and you CAN DO IT!!! you’ll be holding those boys before long. BIG hugs your way.
Hang in there!
You’re doing a marvelous ‘job’
Ofcourse you feel down and tired, all part of the effort,and your allowed to feel like that!
Good luck for you and your whole family.
Hang in there Sommer! You’re doing SO well and I’ll personally kick anyone’s butt who berates you for complaining about being miserable! Just because you went through IF that does NOT mean you don’t have a right to your feelings or that you take anything for granted. (((HUG)))
I’m another one of your Ovusoft readers and I love reading your posts – good – bad – whatever your mood is for the day. You tell it like it is and it is an amazing sharing that you are doing.
I’m in the middle of my first IVF cycle and know that there is at least a 25% chance of twins. You have shed light on how tough a twin pregnancy can be and made me aware of what I might go through. In agreement with one of the previous posters, I’ve had 6 miscarriages, a late term stillbirth at 36.5 weeks and a healthy daughter who will be 4 in January (very close to Calista)… I would give the world for another child (or two) after what we have been through so far to add to our family.
Keep up the great work and I’m sure the doctors will take great care of you whatever happens. I’m sorry you are in such discomfort at this point… is there any other help you could get from perhaps a church, college students, other Moms? A lot of time people just don’t know what to do to help… if you ask people for a dinner casserole or for help with laundry or taking Calista to the park… I know you’re probably doing all of that already.
Please know we are thinking of you & I love reading your posts!
Beautiful babies, Sommer. HANG IN THERE. I know it has got to be difficult. Hopefully (don’t laugh) I’ll be experiencing the same thing in a few months and you can pack up your huge family and fly down here to help me out. If I could, I’d be on the next plane out to you. Tell those boys to quit acting up and to keep their hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. It is not nice to be smooshing ma’s ribcage.
Calista will be fine. 4 year olds are resiliant little buggers. It’s the age and it’s the situation. In a few weeks, all will be well.
ANd I can’t believe that, after reading all your blogs about what you’ve been through, that people actually write in to say that you should be happy with your lot. To them, I say poo. They should give this infertility thing a spin and then try to carry twins on such a small frame. Not an easy task. We still like ya.
Sommer, thank you for continuing to post. Those idiots who’ve chided you aren’t thinking. Remember how many of us are wishing you and your family well. You’re a trooper!
Hey Sommer,
Long time no see! I just want you to know that I am thinking and praying for you! You look wonderful, and I am so proud of you! Big, Big hugs!
Love,
Amy
You described EXACTLY how I felt at 29 weeks. It was a misery. I was so swollen and retained so much fluid that I had miserable carpal tunnel syndrome. I kept dropping things and my hands were both numb and painful which should make no sense. I feel your pain as I was there just a short few months ago. Hang in there. You are already at a good place now timing wise…not perfect but they will do just fine now. Praying for you. I know it is so hard.
Sommer,
you have the right to express what you to get thru the moment,hour, or day.I feel for you and agree that you have a tuff job right now. Think about getting thru the hour by hour when its hard. Try getting thru day by day when things are a little better. Being told to relax and stay in bed is not easy.
My hats are off to you.
Debbie
Sommer- Just wanted to say that I wish I could take some of the pain and discomfort away from you. The worst thing (minus the SCH) that I delt with was barely being able to walk up the stairs because my ankles were so swallon. Nothing in comparison to what you are surviving though.I am praying for you and your dear family. It is an amazing testamony that you and your family is living out.Definately inspiring!!!
Jennifer
Sommer – I usually just lurk and get all excited for you when I read how far you have come but I just felt like I needed to respond this time.
YOU ARE AMAZING and have every right to post your true feelings on YOUR blog! You have done, and continue to do so much to “prove” your love, determination, and appreciation for being blessed with this pregnancy – anyone who thinks you are “bitching” needs to step back and think about whether they could do as good of a job as you have holding it all together throughout the ups and downs these boys have handed you!
Keep up the great work and be proud of yourself and your family!!!!
Hang in there! I am sure it is tough but know you can make it four more weeks. Those ultrasound pictures make it so worth the wait to see them in person! I think if there is some way after the boys arrive if you could find some time to do something for Skip and Calista, it will make up for what they are going through now. **BIG HUG**
(((HUGS))) Almost there, Sommer! You can do it! As for poor Miss Calista — can you get her some new things that will entertain her for a while? Something you would NEVER get her normally, but just to get by? A Leappad or a Vsmart or some new movies? I’m sure your nearby friends are happy to help out and realize that you aren’t just asking because you have nothing better to do! It will be fine!
I hope the time flies and you make it as far as possible and those boys come out as healthy as can be!
Best wishes!
you CAN do this! those babies are getting bigger and stronger every day you keep them in the belly. you’re doing a great job…what a lucky pair of little boys!!!
Hang in there Sommer. I am counting down my last 11 weeks. So from my perspective, 4 sounds pretty great. I think I’m as huge and miserable as you sound, but when I read your experiences, I know you have the greater struggle. I don’t usually comment, but I always read and follow your blog. Remember when nothing was more excruciating than the 2ww? And how many 2ww’s left you disappointed? This time there will be no disappointment. You can do this. Calista can do this and so can Skip. You are almost there.
Hey there beautiful!
you are so amazing! I am so sad that i dont get to come see you every week any more but so excited at how far you have come. that first week that I met you and you seemed at such a fragile point i was trully scared for you but you have shown such strength of mind, body and spirit, not only for your boys but for yourself, your little girl and your husband as well. i know that it looks like an insurmountable mountain right now but look back at how far you have come, continue to go over the little victories (no more big huge iv line) and keep telling yourself one more day. i am proud of you you are doing so wonderfully!
You’re doing wonderful Sommer! Four more weeks is a long time when its the last few weeks with two babies taking up every inch of space inside you, but it WILL go by fast! We are all here to cheer you on this last stretch!
Don’t feel bad for posting how you feel!! I have been following your story and am so impressed as you keep going on and on!! I remember your pain, you have made it farther than I did with my twins. The good news is…you really will not remember being so miserable once they get here. And the fact that you have made it to 30 weeks is just amazing, with all the obstacles that you have had in front of you…wow..its truly amazing. Seeing how much better the babies do once they pass that 30 mark is just huge!
I remember sitting on my bathroom floor just crying and crying and feeling so pathetic for feeling so miserable when I was so thankful for what I had. I really don’t think about those times anymore. Also, Calista will forget too…this to shall pass!! She will be so excited being big sister and mommy to her baby brothers she will forget these days. Plus, then you and her can have fun girls days and she will love the extra attention and having her mommy back!! Keep up the good work and your are almost there!!!
Hey Sommer. I rarely post to you, but I just wanted to send you my support – since you and ConnectedMoms always give me support when I need it. I’ve been following your story and I am thinking about you and those babies often. I’ve never been 41 weeks pregnant (my singletons were born at 38 weeks) so I can just imagine what discomfort you are in. Try to breath through it and know that Calista will come through this stressful time as well. Children are resilient and she is going to love having her little brothers around once they are here(most of the time!!). Her tantrums, as unpleasant as they are, are normal I’m sure.
Kerry.
PS Won’t Christmas be great in the Cronk house this year!! I’m jealous of having new babies around for the holidays!!
Sommer,
Thank you for posting all that you have about your journey. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and struggle with infertility too. We have been trying to get pregnant since we got married, but it just hasn’t happened. I went through the whole process of hormone testing, ultrasounds, clomid, and glucophage treatments trying to get pregnant and none of it worked. Finally about 2 years ago I convinced my husband to go to the doctor for a semen analysis. It came back with 0 sperm. The doctors said that we should just get a sperm donor and use AI. Not satisfied with that answer we went to see another Urologist, and another, until we found Dr. Buch. All of the other Urologist would just perform hormone tests and SA on my husband and they would all come back and say that we would not be able to have our own biological children and that we should start screening for sperm donors. Dr. Buch was the first one that had hope. He performed a biopsy on my husbands nether region (which took quite a bit of convincing to get my hubby to do that) and we got good new…..he has Sperm! The only downside is that it is stuck…and we didn’t know why. We scheduled an Epydidimovasostomy (like a vasectomy reversal) once inside they discovered that one of my husbands testes does not function at all, and the other functions, but not at a normal level. He has a congenital birth defect where his vasdefrens are blocked. The surgery re-routed the plumbing around the scarring so that they might get out. We are now 6 months post op, still no pregnancy, no sperm on the outside….so now I am starting to save for InVitro with TESE. I hadn’t given fundraisers a thought beyond selling what I could on eBay or selling my Persian kittens (which are for sale btw http://www.silipersians.com) to try to fund the procedure, but then I came across your website. If it worked for you, I hope it will help us! Your story has been very inspiring to me. It does not feel like such a lost cause. Fortunately my doctors only charge 8k for the entire procedure here in Texas. I know you are going through a lot right now, but it will all be worth it when you look at those beautiful boys! I hope God continues to bless you!
Thanks again!
Tiffany
Hi, just another blog lurker chiming in! (3greysandamutt from ovusoft) I noticed that you are at the 30 week mark, and since I have followed your blog and know how hard you have had it, I was really excited for and proud of you that you made it to this milestone! You are doing great, and every day that you plod through, you are giving sooo much to those sweet boys! I am cheering you on for the next 4 weeks! I can’t imagine the pain that you have had to endure. (I am 5-foot-9, and 8 weeks behind you, and I am so uncomfortable with my twins!)
I understand your problems with Calista. Even though my physical problems haven’t been nearly as severe as yours, I often feel like I deserve a “Worst Mommy” award. Sheer exhaustion, plus sciatica, round ligament pain, backaches, hormonal stress, swollen legs, etc. just make me feel some days like I have nothing to give to my Lourie. She is the world to me, but it is all I can do some days to keep her fed… let alone entertained. My DH gets home from work, and she just lights up and throws herself at him, because she finally has someone to play with. She may enjoy puzzles and Candyland with mommy for a while, but a 3-yr-old needs to move too, ya know?
Our girls will survive… but I understand your feelings. It is hard not to be able to give yourself to your child.
You are definately in my thoughts and prayers these final weeks!
Hi Sommer,
I used to chat with Skip on the net way back ages when I was at uni, anyways, a couple of years back I got in touch with skip and he sent me your family website address. Well anyways, I have been reading your posts about your pregnancy, and although I am not pregnant, I can truly sympathise with you. Its never really easy being pregnant, let alone pregnant with twins. I didn’t have a very good pregnancy myself with my first child – it was hell for the first 6 months,and post pregnancy had too many complications to even mention. I have been yo-yoing about having another baby for a while now, but you know what – your story really inspires me to be brave and give it another go. Really if you can put up with so much, then you should be proud of yourself and don’t let others tell you any different. Its always easy to judge others when you arent in their shoes, so dont worry about the negative posts you may get!!!
I’ve been reading your story since you started this site, and look how far you’ve come – you may not feel it, but time’s flown so fast and you are nearly there. So just keep plodding along, and keep thinking about when you hold those two gorgeous boys in your arms – it will be worth everything you have gone through in the end.
Good luck, and all the best.